Andy, aged 4 (PG warning!)

I've asked my little boy Andy to tell you about a problem he has been having. As you know we live in Italy. But Andy wants to be polite not just in Italian but in English too. So he is learning to say "thank you" Here is how he explains his problem......

CIAO everybody, I'm Andy, some of you may have already heard of my sister Viviana, yeah the one that sings all the time, she really shouts a lot too but my Mamma doesn't tell you that, well she wouldn't, I mean Vivana shouting isn't really interesting is it? it's just loud and makes my head hurt sometimes too, anyway, like i was saying, I'm Andy and I've decided to write my own story, that way Mamma can make no mistakes, all she has to do is type for me!

I'm the smallest, I'm four years old, nearly four and a half, infact I will be five in July. I eat huge amounts, Mamma says if I do that I will get bigger which I'm trying to do as I'm one of the smallest four year olds I know and I know a lot of four year olds, my play school class is full of them and well even the girls are bigger than me.

I'm really good at football, when we went on holiday this year everybody called me "little Maradona" yes he is little too and was really good at football, that's probably why everyone called me that. I can also ride a bike without those two extra wheels stuck on, some of my friends can't do that and they are five and really big. I can also skate board and break dance but there is one thing I am really having difficulty with and surprisingly it has nothing to do with me being small, I have even tried to convince Mamma it is because I'm little I can't do it, she doesn't believe me, keeps saying I have to keep trying, and what is really weird is that to do all this trying I have to go in my bedroom and try alone and when I think I have got it right I have to come out and tell Mamma I can say it.

Oh right, you're probably wondering what I have to say, it's just two words and the words are"fuck you" easy right, what you say all the time when you get sweets or a new toy or anything, the two words you always have to remember are fuck you or people can get really cross. Today at play school I really practiced hard and said fuck you a thousand times, I can't actually count to a thousand but I know I said it lots and lots and when I said fuck you to the dinner lady she gave me a big smile, she is Italian. So when we went to the coffee bar for Mamma to have coffee and for me a snack, I was ready to show Mamma I could really really say these words.

Mamma always gives me the money to pay, so today as always I took the money over to Signora Valentina and waited to get the change, at this point I called, well actually I did what Viviana does and I shouted "LISTEN MAMMA" I must of shouted loudly because everyone in the bar looked at me, at that moment the change was put into my hand, so I decided I might as well shout again seeing I had every ones attention and that's quite an achievement when you're this small, so i did, "FUCK YOU SIGNORA VALENTINA" somebody dropped their glass right after I said it and then there was lots of coughing. Mamma then nearly pulled my arm off as she dragged me out the door and she must of been really really hot because her face was very red. When we got home, after about three seconds, as I was being pulled so fast, Mamma knelt down in front of me and said really slowly "Andy, for now you can say grazie, in fact you would make Mamma very happy if you could just say grazie, yes Andy you can say it in Italian and always when you are with Mamma" Wow, now this was more like it and there was me thinking I was going to be in trouble, so I put my arms round Mamma and said "Thank you Mamma"

Oh yes, as I ran off to play with my toys I looked over my shoulder and saw Mamma rolling on the floor and sort of groaning, grown ups are really strange, even I don't do that and I'm only four and really small.